It’s 10:30 pm. I don’t know. I’m gonna try to articulate some thoughts and I don’t quite know what they are.

I was reading a new post or two on some sexblogs I read, of the I guess BDSM nature. And I don’t know—every time I stop to think about this, it feels weird. What I’m thinking is just that this is normal. My immediate thought is not porn, not arousal, not even “I would like that to be done to me”. I was reading this one blog, and I didn’t even notice until I’d finished the post that there was a picture of a naked, tied-up woman in the sidebar. You’d think that anyone with half a sane mind would notice that first.

I just don’t quite understand my responses to this stuff. I like reading the funny lines that the intelligent bloggers I read generate, and if the funny lines come out of a play party, well, that’s why it’s funny. You know? But “funny”? What person thinks a story about whips and ropes and shit is “funny”?

I don’t know, I can’t understand it. Sometimes I wonder whether I really am into this, which is stranger than the times I wonder whether I’m as submissive as I portray myself to be. But then I wonder whether I’m anything at all, because I guess I feel like I should be seeing this all more sexually than I do. I’m sorry; I can’t talk to the point about my sexual preferences. You’ll have to excuse my verbal circumlocutions.

I guess I find myself thinking, “I wish every college had a group like Conversio Virium [the Columbia student BDSM discussion group].” Or “It would be cool and interesting to go to one of these events, just to see.” And then I think “WTF, alterisego, did you just say that? Did you just say you wanted to out yourself, to be up-front about your fetishes with strangers? Can you even claim to legitimately have these fetishes anyway, since you’ve never had an orgasm in your fucking, no pun intended, life?” It seems weird. It seems weird to look at these people who are just incorporating BDSM into their daily lives and blogging about it, and think that could happen. Between my conversations with my mother, common sense and a generally internet-based life, I’ve trained myself to think this is private. That it’s slightly odd, and the sort of thing you talk about anonymously on a messageboard. And also that I can’t legitimately claim to be any part of it, because I’m laughing too hard at porn to get off on it, I’m repressed as the world’s most homophobic Catholic, I’m very immature and just barely overage, and I’m just generally ignorant about this world. The world of sex, and the world of BDSM. Wiki-surfing in multiple languages just doesn’t cut it to actually living in a world that involves ess ee eks, and perverted ess ee eks at that.

And I guess there’s just a lot of second-guessing about myself that goes on here. When you see something entertaining, you automatically want to copy-paste the link to your friend who’s online. I’m sure that’s happened to any of us. When I see an entertaining line, it takes me a minute to go, “Oh, wait. This is awkward.” And there are about three people I know who are actually okay with it, and my relationships with them make it somehow just as awkward as someone who doesn’t have a clue. And then I’m like, what the fuck? This is someone else’s porn, and you’re copy-pasting it as a link because you’re laughing at it? And do you see something slightly wrong with the picture of copy-pasting a porn link to a guy, for example, even if he is your friend and okay with it? Get a clue, alterisego. Grow up. Have normal reactions to things.

I dunno. I’m really confused.


One Response to “Thinking”

  1. donnadiawana Says:

    I think your best bet for this type of situation is to hit the net and find a local BDSM group that you can perhaps join or talk to to see if this is for you.

    Most groups have informal “munches” a couple of times a month where you meet at a coffee shop or bar and you can socialize with other people of similar interests. I think if you meet others who are into this and have a good discussion with this it will set you at ease that there is nothing wrong with this and perhaps this will start you on your journey to enjoying some of it.

    Good luck!

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