I hate this feeling

I hate having a crush on someone. It makes me into a person I really find very irritating. I have only contempt for the girls I interact with in classes and whatnot who are always mooning about some boy. I hate it when I get fixated on a person and I end up doing the same thing. But I’m so easily obsessed! I’m thrown into depression by every moment I can’t spend with the person; when we’re hanging out and they leave I silently wish they’d take me with them. I’m too shy to start up conversations with them; I’ll stare at their green dot in AIM and hope to see the icon that they’re typing. Of course, I think about them all the time too, both fantasizing them doing lovely unspeakable things to me and just imagining spending time together (I have a vivid imagination, and my fantasy is quite often totally non-sexual).

I had a boyfriend once, and I made a mistake with that for a variety of reasons. But one of them was that I was crushing on someone else at the time, and I couldn’t put that person out of my head. I said yes to the boyfriend because I knew the crush would never have me—we’d worked that out between us—but all the while, in my head, it wasn’t my boyfriend I was making out with.

It consumes me and it’s so ridiculous, and I can’t get rid of it. I hold these crushes for long periods of time: I’ve had only two major ones in the past eight years or so. I go back and forth to other people sometimes—but I always think that if I were to get together with someone else, I would be emotionally unfaithful to them—I still couldn’t get the crush out of my head.

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